What actually angers me about advice on how to snag a man is that it presupposes that we women have to somehow blunt our personalities or curb our intelligence in order to do it. It also presupposes that men are, essentially, simpletons, whose only desire is for a simpering sex partner and who can’t take a woman who is smart, independent, and interesting.
In other words, what the advice I generally see bandied about seems to be saying is that women are far superior to men, but that we have to pretend to be far more stupid in order to avoid intimidating the poor dears so that we can keep one almost as a workhorse/pet.
I reject this advice because, while it does work, you end up in a relationship with an idiot, where you are playing a role as a further idiot. That doesn’t sound like my idea of partnered bliss. It sounds like an eternity of babysitting and façade-maintaining. I know a lot of people who have committed to it, and they look miserable and bitter and bored. And they don’t leave to look for something better, because they’re convinced it doesn’t get any better. That’s a kind of despair I refuse to buy into.
I’m a person who likes both to challenge and to be challenged; I like wit, intelligence, and defensible opinions. I don’t like people who agree too readily with me, or who disagree too completely. I don’t like people whose conversation consists entirely of the tiresome commonplaces that seem to make up most people’s days. I like brilliant, interesting, challenging people, and I am polite to but don’t have much time for anyone who isn’t. Life is short: fascinate me or step aside.
I am not afraid of dying alone and being eaten by wolves; I may end my life without a partner, but what does that signify? If my life ended today, single, it has been so full of loves and adventure that I would be, in many ways, satisfied to say that I have done much with my time. If my life ends at 97, and I have saddled myself to an idiot with whom I can’t even have a conversation out of a desperate worry that no one better was going to come along, my life would be a failure indeed.
Because I’m not interested in having kids, I have a little more leisure time when it comes to dating than many women, and less drive to snag a Mr. Right. But I think that, even if you are interested in having children, you should stop and consider a little more than these books and sexperts (ugh) and snake-oil salespeople are advocating. If you procreate with a guy, he’s part of your life forever. You better like him, because you’re not getting rid of him. Even if he turns out to be a deadbeat dad, and takes off on you and your kids, you’re not going to be able to shake the memory of that bastard.
Do I want to find the man of my dreams and have a fun wedding and live happily ever after? Yes, I do. But these books/mavens/etc. aren’t telling me how to find the man of my dreams. They’re telling me how to find a man to marry, regardless of what my dreams are. It’s a recipe for misery.